I’m not sure how many words there are in English, but after having a quick meeting with myself, we decided that whatever the magic number was, it was not enough.
We need more words in our vocabulary. I said so.
So, here is my meager contribution to the English language: 10 neologisms you didn’t know you needed!
To Blid (verb): Blaming a mistake you made on your kid. Blidding works best if the little one doesn’t speak yet. Sure, it may foster a sense of unfairness, but they can deal with it later in therapy (you may want to start saving for sessions).
Example: “Ooops, coffee spill on the floor… honey, be more careful next time!”
To cleamper (verb): Trying to fit in pampering into household cleaning chores. Note that it’s not a good idea to cleamper when your nail polish is drying.
Example: “Look, I cleampered! After the facial clay mask, my skin is glowing and the bathroom’s sink is shiny.”
Flath (noun): When bath time turns the bathroom into a flood hazard area. Maybe putting toy cars and plastic boats in the bathtub wasn’t such a good idea, after all.
Example: “Yep, Mark had a good flath. Can you keep an eye on him for a second? I need to change clothes.”
To gluck (verb): Gloating simply because, by chance and out of the blue, your kid decides to cooperate or show extremely good behaviour. Moments of gluck are rare and precious. They are very enjoyable in public places in present of witnesses, especially other parents struggling with their own brats.
Example: “I glucked at Toy’R’Us when Mark put the truck back on the shelf, grabbed my hand and agreed to go home without a fight.”
To mauth (verb): Getting mad and laughing at the same time. You express your displeasure because you have to, but the situation is hilarious.
Example: “When Mark walked around the living room wearing my new winter boots, I couldn’t help but mauth, even though I had just cleaned the floor.”
Repeatitis (noun): A mild affliction that develops after repeating the same thing, over and over again. Common triggers are “pick up your toys”, “come now” and “eat your food”. Associated symptoms involve an irrepressible need to add “for fuck’s sake!” at the end of each sentence.
Example: “Look, I have to step out for a second. My repeatitis is flaring up again. Can you make him eat dinner?”
Sanitery (noun): Removing the battery from a toy for the sake of your sanity. Gizmos with annoying tunes should be destroyed in their factory in China.
Example: “I really don’t mind Mark’s Elmo toy since I performed a bit of sanitary on it. Oh come on, it’s still fun to play with! It’s just… you know, perfect for quiet playtime.”
Toyoidance (noun): Purposely avoiding the toy section in stores because it’s late and fuck, you really don’t feel like spending half an hour catching balls and putting stuff back on the shelves.
Example: “Toyoidance is getting harder and harder around Christmas time, damn marketing specialists!”
To wispargue (verb): The fine art of whispering during an argument because you don’t want 1) the kid to know that you are arguing 2) the kid to wake up to the sound of “seriously? Fuck YOU!”
Example: “Yesterday, we wispergued in the kitchen about the fact Mark didn’t want to go to bed.”
To wother (verb): Expressing amazement that most men are competent fathers who can take care of kids and accomplish tasks such as changing a diaper, feeding, hugging, etc.
For example: “I can’t believe Mark’s doctor wother Feng for being there during the routine checkups!”
I am getting in touch with the teams at Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary, and I will let you know if my neologisms make it into the next edition. It’s just a matter of negotiating a fair one-million dollar lump sum payment, I believe.