Starting a new life abroad requires tons of paperwork, patience and sacrifices—including leaving everyone and everything behind.
That’s right. Let’s face it, chances are you won’t have anyone to hang out with for the first few weeks or months of your adventure in Canada, except maybe your partner.
Socializing can be a secondary concern for many newcomers—“I need a job and a place to live, I’ll just log into Facebook if I need a virtual hug!”—and making friends as an adult can be tricky because we lack the spontaneity of children, yet somehow kept a taste for drama. However, it should be one of your priorities because it helps ease into Canadian culture and feel at home.
Extravert or introvert, make meeting new people and potential friends one of your priorities—trust former 20-year-old me who felt very lonely as a new Canadian twenty years ago!
Here are five steps to get you started.
Get ready for your first culture shock
Each culture and age group views friendship differently. It often boils down to “mutual trust and support” but expectations can vary greatly. As you’re building relationships in Canada, it’s a good idea to understand a few common personality traits and social norms in English-Canadian culture.
Canadians have a reputation for being friendly but as you will quickly realize, there’s a long, long bridge to cross to transition from pleasant small talk to actual friendship—hint, this is a culture where “how are you?” is merely a greeting, no truthful answer expected.
Canadians tend to value their personal space and privacy. Getting invited into someone’s home is rare and special. It’s mostly for formal occasions, like a housewarming party or a baby shower. Friends often meet for a drink or a meal at a coffee shop, a bar or a restaurant. Showing up uninvited would be a major faux pas unless you’re ringing your neighbour’s doorbell to bring back a misplaced Amazon package.
Finally, Canadians tend to be enthusiastic and generous with superlatives. It’s always great to hear that you’re “awesome” and to get an awkward North American hug with the promise to meet up again soon, but it doesn’t mean you’ve made a friend… yet. Sorry, eh.
Understand the difference between a friend and a network contact
Much like Americans, Canadians are big on “networking.” Your network is basically a group of people you know and share a connection or mutual interests with—colleagues, neighbours, other parents, your landlord, professionals in your industry, etc. These are people you can turn to for advice or occasional help. However, remember that network contacts haven’t graduated to friend level yet—and they may never will.
You can reach out to a former manager for a professional reference, you can ask a neighbour to recommend a family doctor and you can turn to a colleague for advice about local schools. However, it would be strange to contact them for more personal matters or call them just to vent. With network contacts, conversations are purposeful rather than casual.
Leave any bias at home
Canada is a very multicultural country and you’re bound to meet people from all walks of life and corners of the world.
I’m a staunch atheist but various religions play a big part in the life of five of my close friends. I’m 39 and my friends can be 30 or 65. Some of them grew up in Ottawa and have never crossed the border, some of them came to Canada from countries that don’t even exist anymore as such. Some of them have dreadlocks, some of them wear a hijab, some of them eat spicy foods for breakfast, and some of them eat a very British “dinner” at 5 p.m.
We all have implicit bias. Making friends in Canada and meeting other cultures from all over the world is a precious chance to deconstruct any stereotypes you may have.
Tap into the power of communities
“Community” is a keyword in this huge, sparsely populated country spanning six time zones where it’s too cold to comfortably hang out in outdoor public spaces for six months of the year. “The community” can be your city, your town, your neighbourhood or your block. It’s basically a small-scale version of Canada, a bite-size population group, an easy-to-join informal organization where it’s easier to meet new people.
There are communities for just about anything. Your local gym, school board or place of worship are communities. And in doubt, there are… ta-da, community centres, most of them offering regular events and activities!
Connect with people
I’ve seen “free hugs” posters taped to traffic lights but I have yet to spot a sign that says “free friend, available immediately!”
… and come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t recommend calling this number, anyway.
If you want to make friends, you will have to connect with people. Go ahead, say hi, make conversation, ask questions, be genuine and foster breeding grounds for relationships.
- If you’re a parent, hang out at the playground or at the park.
- If you’re a student, sign up for as many on-campus activities as you can.
- If you have a hobby, find local groups of like-minded people.
- If you don’t have a job yet, volunteer.
- If you do have a job, show up at “mandatory fun” events (not only management will approve but making fun of such events with coworkers is a bonding experience!).
Chances are, plenty of people are feeling as lonely as you are. Developing friendship takes time but it’s worth the effort!
Very true about friends vs. network contacts. Hard to get to the next level but truthfully it is an investment of time and effort. Everyone is busy with their lives and therefore unless the kids are close and hang out frequently or do sports together, it will be difficult to fork out extra time for own connection/friendship.
Volunteering is a new concept for me (erm, embarrassed to admit it but it is my Asian upbringing). I am brought up believing in self sufficiency and work for money until…. your last breath? My mom still can’t comprehend why I would take early retirement. She says I am sacrificing my financials to “accompany” 陪 my child. She would be flipping out if I were to volunteer (for free) Haha! I have started to do some because of my daughter, sports/school obligations. Thanks for the tips – I could build friendships through volunteering too.
The French in me isn’t really into volunteering as well. I can’t explain, it’s… not natural to me, especially to the level North Americans take it, where being a volunteer is basically a full-time job. I mean, I admire the people who volunteer but like you, I believe in working for money. My own volunteering experience is pretty lame compared to many people, it’s basically helping out for a day instead of committing for a long period of time with a specific charity. Maybe I will feel differently one day if I’m more comfortable financially or if I’m retired…
Now, I’m curious. I’m guessing you took early retirement because you managed your money well and because you could “afford” it (and I remember you explaining you also got tired of the rat race, which is understandable!). If you’re financially secure, how much more money are you supposed to make in an Asian perspective?? And doesn’t “péi” your child more valuable, again, from an Asian perspective?
Again, just curious… did you feel lonely as an immigrant at first? Was it hard for you to make friends?
Same here about volunteering – mostly about fulfilling an obligation (swim club required hours) and now for my daughter’s school requirement. For her age, some volunteering jobs require her to be accomplished by a parent. Even though I am retired, I am taking on more household responsibilities (instead of hiring outside help), therefore I am quite busy.
I took early retirement because of my husband’s new job which required a lot of biz travel. I didn’t have family who can help take care of my daughter if I were to travel for business at the same time (which I was under pressure to do more of), therefore I quit as he earned more than me. I think “affordability” is subjective because you can always adjust your lifestyle with less money (unless you are at poverty level). Fortunately we didn’t have to adjust too much. Unless you are super wealthy, I don’t think there is a target of how much money is enough. At the end of the day, so many things/expenses are unpredictable (accidents, natural disasters, inflation etc) and everything is getting more expensive, so it is always good to earn more money when/if you are able to in order to prepare for rainy future. Obviously I am very fortunate to be able to spend more time raising my own child instead of stressing out trying to juggle between a full time job, childcare and household responsibilities, but it is a financial sacrifice. I think most Asians (esp. my grandparents’ and parents’ generation) don’t have the luxury to do that because they barely earned enough money to support their family (forget about own enjoyment/retirement). Therefore it is unthinkable for them to quit a gainful employment. It is sad to think about how much sacrifice they have made to elevate the earning capacity/lifestyle of each generation with their relentless investment in education.
As for being lonely as an immigrant, of course, especially the initial stage when you tried to calibrate that this will be your home but yet everything is so different and quite uncomfortable. Sometimes you don’t fit in, don’t feel welcome, and feel like a foreigner. Still, this will be the place you call home. The loneliest times were when your friends got to spend time with their families, old high school/college friends, and yours are miles away across the ocean. However, when I first started working and was younger and single, I had quite a few coworkers who were in similar status. We went out after work quite often, so it was actually quite fun. I think the harder phase if when you are older and most people focus on their own families. And you have to navigate your child’s schooling and social life, which is a big learning curve. I am still learning… my child will be in high school next year and I really need to buckle up and learn about what classes she should take, GPA calculations, volunteer hours requirements, college applications etc. Sometimes loneliness is not about being alone, but rather “feeling alone” because everyone else feel comfortable/knowledgeable about their environment and has a big support network, and you have to figure things out. My husband is no help because he is a foreigner too. I think I am handling it quite well because I do research online, attend presentations/workshops by different school organizations, and ask questions (US friends, esp. those with older kids). However, no matter what, you can’t just fit right in comfortably when you are an immigrant with an accent and different culture/upbringing. That’s life! You adjust and be content with what you have, because it is all about compromises and sacrifices. I am thankful I am able to immigrate here in spite of it all. I am all over the place with my thoughts, hope you understand my feelings. Haha!
Re. feeling lonely, now that I have great friends in Canada, I mostly feel lonely–or rather “left out”–during big holidays, like Christmas or Thanksgiving. These are the kind of gatherings where you’re supposed to be ten or more (random number, but you know what I mean!). But the only relatives around are Feng’s parents, who don’t really celebrate Christmas and certainly don’t celebrate other North American holidays, so we tend to just “skip” them. I don’t really care to be honest, it’s not like I grew up celebrating Thanksgiving. But I feel oddly left out because the next business day, everybody is making a big deal of the meal, the gathering, etc. I have good memories of my childhood’s Christmases because I have siblings, cousins, etc. So we had the big dinner, the festive atmosphere, etc. Especially as a kid (without understanding the work involved for adults!) it felt cozy and special. And I can’t recreate this atmosphere for Mark…
Re. early retirement, yes, your story makes a lot of sense! It’s always hard to make the best possible decision and sacrifices are made along the way no matter what… I feel in “old-style” Asian family, the expectation was to provide to the entire family, sibling, parents, etc. This is less true nowadays as far as I can see (based on my limited sample of Chinese families!) because in cities as least, people got a bit wealthier.
Pingback: The Emigration Checklist: Before You Move Abroad, Remember To…
I would add: “understand that Canadian culture/lifestyle is different so some views on how people interact and form friendships can be different from where you used to live. It can be tough to assimilate and challenging. Find a few friends that REALLY vibe with you. It is trial and error”
Oh gosh, yes… there are people I truly appreciate but they will remain acquaintances because we’re not on the same friendship page.
SAME !!!
Another thing i would add: if someone says “hey let’s get together” but no effort to actually make plans…not trying to be your friend honestly. Controversial take but after being here for 8 yrs, it is so true.
Ahem… coffee this month? I mean it!
I know you mean it 🙂 Yes, let’s do that. Will text you 🙂