• Menu

Four

Mark had been looking forward to turning four for several months. He was probably interested in a cake and presents, but I think he mostly wanted to be a “big boy”. “I can do it now because I’m not a baby,” he often claims. To him, “four” was the ultimate “big boy stage”.

To me, “four” was just a number because I was focused on the milestones along the way. For a long time, Mark was stuck between the whiny toddler stage and the curious little boy he was becoming. Toilet training, letting go of his beloved pacifier, listening to instructions, looking for privacy, handling frustration and disappointment, getting along with other people, getting over separation anxiety, expressing himself, accomplishing basic self-care tasks… Damn, who knew that it took that many little yet crucial steps to grow up!

But I can see the difference now. Mark is taller, bigger, more confident. He is a happy kid most of the time. Everything is “wow, amazing!” and he learns new skills fast. He is able to analyse, reason out issues, elaborate answers and explain problems. He is eager to please and he knows right from wrong at his level.

Just this week, the fact he was actually turning four hit me. Was it really four years ago that we drove to the hospital, spent a night and came back with a newborn? Must be. The memories are both vivid and strangely distant as if I had been someone else then. And in a way, I was a different person for a short period of time—pregnancy, labour and early parenthood make anyone turn into an alien stepping on earth for the first time. Everything is the same but different with a tiny human being and shitload of paraphernalia at home. Caring for a baby is both instinctive and amazingly challenging between hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation, commitment and dedication to a level never reached before.

And then, weeks, months or years later, it settles down.

I like to think that I’m not a different person, I just installed an extension pack. Mark taught me to reflect on big issues—gender, feminism, the role of the state in society, cultural norms and education. I acquired skills I promptly forgot—despite making hundreds of bottles, I completely forgot the formula-to-water ratio now. Many skills stuck, though, like being able to pee and wash hands in less than one minute, getting by on less sleep than a candidate on the campaign trail, multitasking, nailing the perfect cooking time for al-dente macaroni and constantly keeping a mental inventory of the fridge content and the laundry basket. Above all, I learned to trust other people, to ask for help and to see the other side of the story in a non-judgmental way.

I wouldn’t trade Mark for anything in the world, and I wouldn’t have had a child with any other man.

One thing hasn’t changed, though: my abysmal baking skills. I’m a good enough cook but I can’t bake. So far, I kept this secret hidden from Mark by either providing store-bought cake, either volunteering for the “cheese and crackers” option at potlucks. At four, I considered he was old enough to help me mangle a North American classic, cupcakes.

So we made cupcakes, much to Mark’s amazement. Breaking eggs! Mixing! Adding chocolate chips! Adding rainbow sprinkles! OH MY GOD!

I’ll buy him a professional-looking cake from the store for tonight. Meanwhile, he seems to enjoy “his” cupcakes.

Happy birthday, Mark! I’m publishing at 11:04 a.m., his exact birth date!

Let's customize a cake mix...
Let’s customize a cake mix…
Here we go!
Here we go!
Step one, done.
Step one, done.
Yes, these are chocolate chips.
Yes, these are chocolate chips.
Yes, Mark, you can "taste" the chocolate chips.
Yes, Mark, you can “taste” the chocolate chips.
Now, let's get into cupcake mode.
Now, let’s get into cupcake mode.
Yes, Mark, the mix smells good and yes, you can lick the spoon.
Yes, Mark, the mix smells good and yes, you can lick the spoon.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Sprinkling rainbow sprinkles, by far the toughest task a man ever had to do.
Mark, guarding the oven
Mark, guarding the oven
The "thou shalt not pass" move
The “thou shalt not pass” move
Checking...
Checking…
Done! I'm Mark's favourite person until I send him to bed.
Done! I’m Mark’s favourite person until I send him to bed.
The cake! The candles!
The cake! The candles!
Share this article!
Zhu

French woman in English Canada.

Exploring the world with my camera since 1999, translating sentences for a living, writing stories that may or may not get attention.

Firm believer that nobody is normal... and it’s better this way.

View stories

Leave a Reply to Zhu Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

14 comments