Welcome to my new “How To… Canada” series! In this series, I’ll try to put my knowledge to good use and shed some light on my new country: Canada. You will learn how some immigration tips and tricks, how to improve your proficiency in both official languages, how to find a job, how to settle in Canada etc. I’ll publish a new “How To… Canada” post every Saturday.
Humor, jokes, what’s funny and what’s not strongly differs in cultures. Canadians have a strong sense of humor, and Canadian humor is an integral part of the identity.
The weather: fucking cold…eh?
The legendary winters in Canada are always a good excuse for a laugh:
In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobile weather.
You know you’re Canadian when…
- You’ve plugged a car in overnight
- You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
- Driving is better in the winter because then the potholes are filled with snow
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
Our Southern neighbors: The U.S.A
It’s not that we don’t like them. I just that we like to make fun of them!
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.“
God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.“
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?“
“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.“
Canadians are also supposed to be very polite and to apologize a lot, especially compared to Americans whom are seen as arrogant. Here is a Canadian Apology to the USA, from Rick Mercer:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it’s not like you actually elected him.
I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt it! It’s very nice.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. Because we’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Our national sport: Give Blood, Play Hockey
When it comes to hockey, if often Canada vs. Toronto, as this team has the more money but never ever seems to win. Poor Maple Leafs…
A Montreal Canadiens hockey fan is driving home from work when he passes the local priest. He stops and gives him a lift.
A block later they pass a man wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. The Montreal fan suddenly feels an uncontrollable urge to run him over with the car. He puts his foot down on the accelerator and tries to hit him. At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan jumps out of the way and the driver hears a thump which he figures must just be the curb.
The two men procede in silence until finally the Canucks fan blurts out, “Look Father, I’m really sorry about that incident back there. I tried to run the Leafs fan over but I believe I missed him : can you forgive me father?“
The Priest replies “It’s okay son, no need to apologize; I got him with the car door.”
Canadians love to brag about how violent is hockey:
Reporter to hockey player: “Did you ever break your nose?” Player: “No, but eleven other players did!”
A hockey puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players hit when they are not hitting each other.
Hockey is definitely too tough. I mean, what other sport has a coroner?
You know it’s going to be a wild game when a fight broke out in the middle of the National Anthem.
We make fun of BC because of its weather (pretty mild but very wet) and its “laid back” attitude:
Top reasons to live in BC:
- The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
- There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on
- If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
Manitoba, and especially the city of Winnipeg, is famous for its freezing winters:
Top reasons to live in Manitoba:
- Amusing town names like “Flin Flon” and “Winnipeg”
- Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
- Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
- You remember the dates of major blizzards 30 years ago.
A lot of Canadians resent Ontario, or at least, like to make fun of it, because the province is home to both Canada’s biggest city and the national capital. Therefor, the province is seen as corrupted and boring.
Top reasons to live in Ontario:
- Your provincial capital calls in the army to help clean up after a snow storm.
- Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
- You, and you, alone decide who will win the federal election
- The only province with hard-core American-style crime
- You live in the center of the universe
- There’s no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
- Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
Quebec is another easy target. The only province with a majority of French speakers and an history of separatism is of course being made fun of.
Top ten reasons to live in Quebec:
- You cant believe that a cashier in Ontario speaks French too!
- Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
- The only province/territory to ever kidnap federal politicians
- NON-smokers are the outcasts
- You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
- Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
In addition to that, every Canadian knows a joke about Newfoundland. Newfoundland was the last province to join Confederation in 1949 and they had the choice of either becoming part of Canada or part of the US. They decided to join Canada, and became a national joke… sorry guys! Newfie are our redneck (as well as Albertans, but that’s just jealousy because they are richer than other provinces right now).
For more Canadian humor, check out:
- “I Is An Newfoundlander“
- “I am Not Canadian” (both are a parody of the Molson beer Canadian Rant)
- More Moslon rant parodies
- The Toque (great Canadian jokes)