A former manager of mine once told me I was âwiseâ. Okay, the exact quote is ââŠâwise beyond your yearsââhe was recovering from a blunder; he had just asked me how old I was, and this was definitely a big âno noâ in the corporate world. He was this kind of guy, very prone to faux pas.
I accepted the compliment gracefully but I didnât think I deserved it. I have never considered myself particularly wise. Iâm good at learning, mostly through trial and error, I’m fairly prosaic and I can keep calm in difficult situations. But wise? Uh uh. Hell, I canât even follow a recipe or the step-by-step “life made easy” solutions in Lifehackersâ articles, and I invariably find inspiring quotes the world feels the need to share unbelievably corny.
Yet, recently, I had a momentary moment of wisdom.
I decided to let it go of control.
Iâm not sure what drives meâother than Lindt chocolate and coffeeâbut itâs certainly not the need to dominate and control. I think Iâm a âType Bâ personality, and I have zero interest in telling people what to do and how to do it. I ran away from the corporate world because I love the core of my job but I canât fake enough enthusiasm for complex office politics, and even if you dangle a brownie in front of me, I’m unlikely to feel the need to compete.
Yet, for the past few years, Iâve been tryingâmostly unsuccessfullyâto control every single aspect of my life and Markâs. I guess it was a gut reaction to a fairly big life milestone, motherhood, and to the subsequent jump into the unknown. Babies are complicated little creatures and they come without an instruction manual.
So I had to devise my own rules to feel more in control of my lifeâour life. After all, I had to manage a team of one cranky and demanding infant and lead it to success under the watchful eye of the world, because when you become a parent, everyone apparently has the right to comment on your efforts. âMothers know bestâ, right? Nope. Well, I didnât. But I had to figure things out fast because I didnât have a choice.
I spent two years putting Mark to sleep (âhe needs a nap!â) and then waking him up (âOMG, he slept too much!â), monitoring his food intake, discussing diapers and their content, analyzing his behaviour, needs, and wants and building the foundation of a good education, whatever that is.
Sounds like a wise plan? Well, Mark turned out okay but I strongly suspect most kids turn okay, no matter how much effort you put into cutting the banana into small nutritious pieces and cleaning between tiny toes.
However, I was not okay. Keeping everything under control at all times is exhausting. So was keeping pace with my own unrealistic expectations and âI can do everything myselfâ attitude.
It was time to break the pattern.
I decided to let it go.
No no, donât worry, Mark is still living at home and Iâm still spreading peanut butter on his bread.
The psychological pattern.
First, this meant accepting that I needed to delegate and that in this case, things werenât going to be done my way. For instance, I disagree with 90% of what my in-laws believe in, yet, after months and months of fighting and holding my breath (and my snarky comments) every time they were around Mark, I decided the stress just wasnât worth the fight. Go ahead, do it your way. I think youâre wrong but hey, Mark spends most of the time with us so the occasional nonsense isnât going to harm him. And who knows, maybe doing things differently is good for him too.
I also had to accept that life isnât predictable and there is nothing I can do to prevent the occasional bumps on the road. Not every single tantrum, word, obsession, craving or gesture means something, there is no point in over-analyzing. Some days, Mark will be hung up on something only to forget it the next one. Some days he eats a lot, some days he doesnât. Some days he is happy, some days he isnât. The best way to deal with that is to shrug and say âoh wellâ. There is nothing to fix because nothing is brokenâthis is just, you know, life.
Then, of course, I also had to acknowledge that as Mark is growing up, he is becoming his own little person. Sometimes, I can see myself in him. Itâs actually pretty scary: I look at him and I know exactly whatâs going on in his twisted mind because I had the exact twisted mind and the same reactions. However, sometimes, Mark is a complete mystery to me. I have no idea why he is scared of âhandsâ (thatâs what he claims anyway), why he loves making messes, why he canât just sit down for a bit and why garbage trucks are so fascinating.
The current plan? Trying to ride the wave instead of ducking under, and going back to port when the sea gets rough.
Letâs rockânâroll, baby!
I remember once my mom told me that one day my elder sister (she was about one year old at the time) spent a whole day with her head bent on one side. My parents rushed to the pediatrician, very scared as even if they tried to put her head straight, it was like falling on one side again. After examining her, he told them she was perfectly fine and that she probably just felt like watching the world from a different point of view on that day. XD
Kids are very fragile yet strong human beings at the same time, don’t worry, Mark is going to be fine đ
This is hilarious! One thing I learned, is that kids are weird. I mean, we are all weird but kids… sometime you wonder who “programmed” them! đ
They are indeed! đ
I like that ! Unfortunately, i am still the over-analyzing phase. I try to not overthink but it is tough at times. I also try to let my husband do more stuff at home and with the baby. Sometimes some of the stuff he does look weird to me, but i realized that the baby is fine regardless.
Lack of sleep. Seriously, don’t underestimate lack of sleep. It makes everything so… much more dramatic than it is! It will get better. Meanwhile, tell yourself that most of your worries are natural and blown up by hormones and sleep deprivation.
Oh gosh i agree with you about the lack of sleep !!! When i get cranky and bitchy too much, i take my butt to bed for a quick nap.
I can’t nap đ Can’t sleep during the day!
Tu as choisi la bonne voie je pense! J’ai achetĂ© un livre il y a qq temps pr comprendre comment pensaient les enfants de l’Ăąge des nĂŽtres, ça m’a pas mal aidĂ© Ă comprendre son point de vue je crois, genre Ă comprendre que lorsqu’elle dit “bonbon” ce n’est pas toujours qu’elle veut des bonbons, c’est souvent simplement pour me faire remarquer qu’il y a des bonbons (et ensuite seulement elle dit “Billie veut des bonbons” lol). Mais lĂ oĂč je me reconnais dans ce que tu dis c’est qu’on avait bcp de principes (justement pas de bonbons en dehors des fĂȘtes ou autres). On les a globalement conservĂ©s je trouve, mais je nous trouve un peu trop control freak par moment. Heureusement que l’on est deux pour faire la mesure! Sinon nous avons exactement la mĂȘme guitare chien, j’ai dans mon cell une photo similaire đ
Pareil ici! Un jour j’ai rĂ©alisĂ© que souvent, pour Mark, “aller Ă McDonalds'”, c’Ă©tait rentrer, faire le tour de la salle, et ressortir. Et il Ă©tait content đ Alors que je me prenais la tĂȘte, genre “ah non, pas les fast food, quelle horreur!”, en fait, 90% du temps il voulait juste visiter quoi.
Chez nous, les bonbons ils font souvent dodo. Donc forcĂ©ment, on peut pas les toucher. Par contre Mark est accro aux oeufs en chocolat et j’aimerais bien qu’on mette un peu le frein lĂ -dessus, juste pour que ça reste un plaisir et pas un repas. Mais tout le monde ne partage pas ce point de vue (ahem, beaux-parents…)
aaah ça nous elle aime le “chocolate”(elle le dit ainsi mais en français lol, influence de la garderie), mais curieusement elle n’en rĂ©clame pas particuliĂšrement alors que nous en mange tout le temps đ Ce qu’elle aime c’est quand il y a des petits morceaux dans son granola đ
Marrant! Elle est plus bonbon? C’est quoi sa “drogue”? Avec Mark, ça change par pĂ©riode. Y’a eu les barres de cĂ©rĂ©ale, la confiture, les bananes, les bonbons chinois de son papa, le chocolat…
Ha ha, I had to read “les bonbons ils font souvent dodo” twice to make sure I understood it. At my place the chocolate never sleeps, and if it does, I wake it up.
Well, that’s because it’s your job. Some stuff is “mommy’s job”, like you know, paying at the store and eating chocolate (I have my stash). But otherwise, it’s dodo or closed. Like McDonalds, very often closed. Yes, Burger King too. đ
That is a very interesting method you have! Whatever works. đ
I hope it does work!
I have the same personality type I think! I like to be 100% in control of what is happening around me. It is both a blessing and a curse I guess – depending on what is happening and who I am with. Part of being a teacher too I suppose!
… And I bet the immigration process is a challenge for you, as you cannot be in control right now. I felt this way!
ça me fait pensĂ© Ă une vieille amie (70 ans) qui me racontait comment dans les annĂ©es 70 la pĂ©diatre lui avait demandĂ© au sujet de son dernier-nĂ© : “et sinon j’espĂšre qu’il lĂšche les plinthes des murs ? non parce que vous savez c’est trĂšs bon pour la santĂ© quelques microbes !” tout bĂȘte mais ça m’a aidĂ© Ă lĂącher prises trĂšs tĂŽt sur certaines choses, pour le reste, j’y travaille……
đ J’aurais aimĂ© avoir ce pĂ©diatre quand Mark a commencĂ© la pĂ©riode je-mets-tout-Ă -la-bouche…! J’imagine que tu as dĂ» lĂącher prise aussi dans le contexte de ton environnement, chez toi on est souvent dehors, et c’est loin d’ĂȘtre un coin du monde stĂ©rile…! Je dis ça dans le bon sens du terme. Quand nous voyageons, je laisse passer des trucs qui feraient bondir les parents des banlieues rĂ©sidentielles paisibles.