Unless you are a character in a Hollywood movie, most things in life take time to materialize or to become routine. If falling in love can happen in a matter of seconds, building a relationship is always a work-in-progress. If finding the dream job offer takes only a few clicks online, excelling in your role won’t happen overnight. If buying the gear needed for a new hobby is as easy as signing a credit card receipt, acquiring the relevant skills will take practice.
I didn’t wake up one morning thinking “eh, I’m fine now!”
But I think I am doing better. Much better.
For the past few months, I have been hoping for something or something to “fix” me. The trip to France in December didn’t do the trick—I came back exhausted (and Feng half blind). I enjoyed backpacking Mexico and felt better over there but the negative thoughts came back as soon as we landed in Ottawa.
I wasn’t expecting much from my solo backpacking trip to Central America. I just needed to physically step away from the picture and take some time alone because I felt I had no choice—I simply couldn’t cope with life anymore.
It took me a few days to start slowing down after I landed in San José.
One morning, in Samara, I spent over an hour absentmindedly collecting seashells on the beach. Once I reach the end of the beach, I looked at the sandy fistful and paused. What had I just wasted my time on? The shells would get crushed in my backpack! And even if they made it home okay, what was I going to do with them? Display them in a jar? Where would I put it? It had to be high enough so that Mark wouldn’t grab it… on the bookshelves, maybe?
Suddenly, I stopped. It didn’t matter where I would put the damn seashells and whether they would be intact upon my return.
Not everything had to make sense. Not everything in life had to be useful, efficient or done with a purpose.
I looked at the seashells again and smiled. They had served a purpose. They had made me happy.
(Incidentally, I did bring them home and, amazingly, they weren’t crushed! I still don’t know what to do with them, though.)
Little by little, I learned to take my time again, to relax and to do nothing. It sounds easy like that but for the past couple of years, I had been made every minute count to maximize my time. I had jumped off the bed as soon as I was awake, I had eaten only because I was truly starving, I had learned to undress-shower-dress in 7 minutes, to walk as fast as I could and to never have idle hours. Trust me, my coffee never had a chance to cool off—I drank beverages burning hot. I rushed everything, rushed everywhere. I had actually driven to the store and gave up on shopping because the lineup seemed too long.
The only two things that had my full attention were Mark (for safety reasons) and work (because I couldn’t afford to lose clients).
While traveling, I went back to basics—sleeping, eating, staying safe and clean. I learned to stop feeling guilty about relaxing. I learned to indulge again.
My anxiety and stress levels spiked on the plane home to Ottawa. As much as I was looking forward to seeing my two guys, I wasn’t ready to start the vida loca again.
I am not going to lie, things hadn’t magically changed. Mark was still my clingy and demanding little boy and Feng still had a much higher tolerance level than me in terms of housecleaning and Mark’s education.
But a few days into our routine I realized I felt less rushed and stressed. Instead of carefully planning Mark’s day minute after minute, I just let him run around the house, like Feng had done. Guess what? He could perfectly play in the living room while I was cooking in the kitchen. I didn’t have to strap him in his high chair and endure 30 minutes of screaming and throwing stuff to catch my attention. I didn’t have to leave it to Feng while I was queuing at the cash register—he could either wait with me (kids have to learn patience, right?) or walk up and down the lineup while I kept an eye on him. And I didn’t have to spend my entire day alone with him trying to keep him busy. Feng would help and so would my in-laws.
I feel like seeing friends again. I had always wanted to but the thought of contacting people, making arrangements and actually showing up had been overwhelming. I reconnected with a few people and it felt great. I caught myself putting on makeup. I took a bath. I changed my phone and worked out a better plan deal. I changed my blog theme and fixed the bugs. I printed out a series of picture of Mark, since his birth, and make a nice frame to hang in his room. I took the time to just lay in bed with Mark and hug. I went to see a movie with Feng.
I think I am enjoying life again.
It will take time. But I have time.