Feng calls me a “professional worrier.” I do worry a lot. I worry about the past, the present and the future. I mostly worry about the future though. And time. Time is my biggest issue. I don’t have enough time to do what I love and I spend too much time doing stuff that I don’t like. There are never enough hours in the day except when I’m bored, never enough time to accomplish everything. The clock is always ticking and I want more seconds in a minute, more minutes in an hour. And when I’m done worrying about time, I worry about the time I spend on worrying about time.
Welcome to my life.
As far as I can remember, I’ve always worried a lot. I have memories of lying awake in bed thinking about tests at school and report cards. Which was kind of silly considering I was a pretty good student, despite an allergy to maths and numbers. At the ripe old age of 18 I remember thinking that I simply had to get a job soon while completing university and finding my soul mate. As you can probably guess, I’m very good at putting pressure on myself.
I always think I could be better and do better. Thinner, smarter, a better cook and better dressed with less hair on my legs and more money in my savings account. If you ever want to know the worst possible outcome of a situation, let me know and I’ll be happy to tell you about it. I’m a “plan A,” “plan B,” “plan Z” etc., person.
The funny thing is, I’m actually good at keeping my cool. Feng and I sometimes had to deal with tricky situations when travelling—we got robbed in Guatemala and then in Panama, we arrived in Buenos Aires in the middle of the 2001 peso crisis, we got lost in many jungles and took hundreds of long-distance buses heading to unknown and remote locations, and sometimes to nowhere. I got a crazy job in Hong Kong when I was 18 and just left an insane position last year. I moved to Canada with little to no plan and went through all the immigration and citizenship hoops.
And everything worked out fine. That’s what I keep on reminding myself. So far, so good, with the expected bumps on the road and occasional ups and downs.
I have no problems making decisions either. I didn’t think twice when I decided to go to China alone when I was 16 and I have no problem backpacking around the world with no plan whatsoever. Moving to Canada was a decision I took almost overnight and never really planned nor regretted. The same goes for getting married—I simply called my parents to let them know I was getting married the following month and that was it. No fuss, no ceremony, just the two of us.
I think my biggest problem is that I try to achieve the perfect balance between seemingly opposite lifestyles. I work in an office yet I’m a backpacker, I worship chocolate yet I go sweat in a yoga studio, I’m from old Europe but I moved to the new continent, I love walking yet I live in a car-culture country, I like being at home yet I’m restless.
In Europe, I had a feeling of hopelessness because nothing ever seemed to change. The old continent made me feel stuck in the past, longing for a past glory that is long gone and scared of the future that no longer has us at the centre of the world. The change was scary and worth rebelling against.
In Canada, I became slightly more optimistic. Maybe I caught the “American Dream” bug. Maybe it’s because I made it there by myself, one anonymous immigrant, another lost soul swimming in the fishbowl. I see change as something positive and I’m less scared of the future.
Worrying too much isn’t good, I know it. But it motivates me.
I admire and look down upon people who have their whole life figured out. I mean, how can you?
Life’s too short to worry about anything. Just live and be “an amateur worrier” for God Sake!
Nice entry Zhu!
Haha, I agree with Mr. G’s comment: life is too short to be worrying. Although I still echo some of your sentiments: I also the one who has several plans for several scenarios, I basically collect contingency measures and plan accordingly. It sounds like you and I have similar personalities, although I have this idea that I am more functional to spend too much time worrying. I don’t do the worrying about time spent on worrying part of things. I am an INTJ, but from the sounds of it, you seem to be an INFJ, although I might be wrong…
I try not to think about the future so that I can worry less but it stresses everyone around me 😉
You make quick decisions which you do not regret later. So what is the problem? I think that is known as trusting your instincts. As long as you bring us along with you via your blog I hope you continue.Here is wishing you and Feng all the best – Bon Voyage!
I mostly worry about my academics, interviews etc. Others I leave it to fate.
You got robbed in Guatemala and Panama? Can you share the story? I heard Central America has got a lot of robbers. :X
@Mr.G – I’ll try my best 😆
@Jeruen – INFG, INTG… what is that? Even Google was no help! Academic language? 😉
@Cynthia – And what are your tricks to not think of the future? I’m curious now!
@Tulsa Gentleman – No problem really, I just wish I’d stop worrying, that’s all 😆
@kyh – Here is the full story: https://correresmidestino.com/of-laundry-and-losing-everything/ That was almost ten years ago, during our first trip to Latin America.
I might have the opposite problem. I don’t hardly worry at all and I have this feeling that everything is going to be fine. Of course not everything can end up fine and we have found out that some of the crap that only happens to other people can happen to us but it doesn’t bother me.
It drives my wife crazy.
Of course I have not had 1% of the adventures that you have taken also.
I may have worried some when I was younger, but now I don’t at all. I enjoy life. Plus I always felt I was born under a lucky star. I thought that if something good would happen, I would be the lucky recipient – so I have been very lucky – or is it that I remember only the lucky strikes and have forgotten the bad ones?
i’m the opposite. i always have a plan. i can’t just drop everything and backpack across asia, as much as i’d live to do that. and yet, some of my fondest memories are of such times, when i was able to cast straws to the wind and follow them.
i too have a plan a, plan b, plan z… but i step so carefully now.
as to laying in bed and thinking about tests, it is no wonder you were/are such a good student. without exception, when i’ve dreamed about the test i was going to take the next day, i got an A on the test.
I try not to worry too much, well, I do worry but it never brings me any good. Like you, I’ve always managed, so when I’m defeatist, my friends and family are good enough to remind me that I will make it, because I always have.
At the moment, the future is even more uncertain than it ever has been for me. Where will I be in three or four years? I have no idea. Therefore, I try not to think about it and do as best as I can in the present moment. It will work out, eventually…
Hi Zhu,
I’m having am absolutely fabulous week in France, and many of the best things that have happened were completely spontaneous. I’m coasting on a tide of good luck. I’m meeting wonderful people. And I LOVE this country!
cheers from Paris!
Margaret
I am also a professional worrier ! 🙁
And I also find that time is passing by way too fast !
@Yogi – It’s a good way to deal with life actually! I admire your philosophy.
@Vagabonde – You are right, we should remember how lucky we are rather than thinking of all the negative.
@Seraphine – I have multiple plans because it gives me something to fall back on and to focuse on but I like having no plans as well, if that makes sense.
@Em – You are right, worrying doesn’t do much good. I got that right yet I can’t help it… I find French are pretty defeatist compared to N. American. Must be in our blood.
@Margaret – Oh, you are there already? I’m glad you are enjoying the country and having a blast! Tell me all about when you get back.
@Sidney – Ah, another fellow worrier!
Change is good for you 🙂