I wish I had been that mother who takes a picture of little Johnny’s first poop in the potty and posts it on Facebook.
But I’m not on Facebook.
And Mark isn’t toilet trained yet.
I… ain’t go shit to show. Pun intended.
When I was pregnant, I read about “infant toilet training”, also called “elimination communication”, a technique used in several cultures, mostly out of necessity because disposable diapers are not readily available. Butts are left uncovered and when the parents feel the baby needs to go, they hold him over the target, a hole, a toilet, or whatever receptacle they choose (I’ve seen Chinese babies being held over garbage cans in the subway). The theory is that parents learn to read their babies’ cues, and (eventually) babies learn to hold back until their parents give them the signal, for example, a short whistling sound.
I found the idea brilliant. No diapers? Being a mother in tune with my child’s needs? North American websites touted it as “a gentle, natural and loving method of communication and toilet learning.” I was totally going to try it with Mark, because fuck diapers. I wanted to prove my maternal superiority with my yet-to-be-born baby. Oh yeah, I was going to nail it.
Then, of course, I had Mark and I had better things to do all day than continuously observing him figure out whether he may need to go and conditioning him to pee on command. Figuring out everything else—sleeping, eating, functioning—was enough work. Besides, babies can’t be toilet trained. They may be able to go where their parents want them to go but they can’t walk, wipe, or dress.
Now, toddlers can. In theory, anyway.
Last winter, Mark started to show interest in the bathroom, something he mostly expressed by barging in when I was in there—“Mommy is peeing, Mark!” If you asked him what we were doing while he was at daycare, his answer back then was straightforward: “Daddy working. Mommy pee-pee.”
In South America, we took the diaper off, let him roam free, and encouraged him to let us know when he had to pee. Then we came back to Canada and winter happened. Every Canadian parent will tell you that the coldest months are not the best time to start toilet training. We have layers and layers of clothing, it’s cold and no, don’t eat yellow snow.
And then spring came, and gentle nudges toward toilet training resumed. We were getting there, little by little. One night, Mark asked to use the potty. He did. I was so proud. Indeed, I had birthed the smartest kid around. Next, med school, two or three PhDs, finding cures to a bunch of diseases, making a huge difference in the world and taking care of us, aging parents!
Or not. Because apparently, Mark didn’t like the potty experience. The following day, when I asked him to repeat his achievement, his reaction was unequivocal. “Again? No, thanks. It’s kind of overrated, you know” Or at least that’s what I gathered. He didn’t have that much vocabulary then, but he was already stubborn enough to stick to his decision and refuse to even sit on the potty or the toilet.
Never mind. I was ready to take it easy. According to Freud, he needed to overcome the anal stage to feel a sense of accomplishment and independence and we, as parents, had to use positive reinforcement. I’m sure Mark will eventually blame us for a bunch of stuff but hopefully, we will avoid neurosis. Freudian shrinks are expensive.
Yet, this summer, Feng and I started to grow impatient and so did the daycare. “Now is the best time!” they urged. “It’s tough in the winter.”
Mark will turn three in October, another milestone. Yes, it’s time… if he is willing to.
But Mark was reluctant. “It’s yucky!”
Yucky? This is from a kid who used to eat sand and loves lying on less-than-spotless floors, anywhere, anytime. A kid who comes back from daycare with yogurt and sauce stains all over him. A kid who drops his pacifier, picks it up, and plops it back into his mouth.
“The toilet is not yucky!” I shouted back. “I spend my time cleaning after you guys!”
“It’s yucky.”
“Oh yeah? Then you’re yucky too.”
“Not yucky.”
“Yep. You’re a big poo poo.”
“That’s funny.”
“Thank you, Mark. Glad you enjoy my toilet humour. Can you please go pee now?”
“No.”
I don’t even like toilet humour. I cringed for two hours when I watched Dumb and Dumber.
I used peer pressure. “Does Molly go to the toilet? Yes. Does Charlie go? Yes. See, all your friends use the toilet!” Unfortunately, he was immune to that. Great asset for a teen, big problem for me right now. How to convince him?
So I resorted to bribing him.
“If you pee in the toilet you get… you get…”
Quick. What can I use as a practical, cheap and easy bribe?
Money won’t work. Too young. Candies? No way. A toy? No, this kid isn’t materialistic enough.
“You get… a star!”
A star? What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Twinkle twinkle little star?”
“Yep. The exact same.”
For a few days, Mark repeated to himself “no pee pee, no star.”
And then, it finally happened. He peed in the toilet.
So I took a piece of paper, taped it to the bathroom wall and drew a star.
Then I paused, perfectly aware that it was a bit lame.
“Ooooooh! A twinkle twinkle little star!”
It worked.
“And for a poo, you get a bigger one!” I announced proudly.
Now I show up at daycare with a pen. At the end of the day, depending on whether he used the toilet or not, I draw stars on his hand.
“I want one too!” one of the kids said as Mark was gloating. “Sorry… your parents probably don’t want me to draw on your hands,” I had to apologize.
I draw stars. Big ones, small ones, crooked ones when Mark tries to hold the felt-tip pen.
I praise the content of the toilet. “Oh yes, big pee pee!” Then I draw more stars.
I have yet to draw the masterpiece, the poop star.
I hope at one point, I can stop drawing fucking stars.
Haha children can be bribed so easily !
I know. Like little politicians.
I have so many bad toilet stories when I was growing up, it’s not even funny. In short, I hated going to the toilet. Even when I was in my mid-teens I had toilet problems.
When I was 3, we moved from Manila to Denver. My parents tell me that I made a mess in Manila Airport, pooping small balls that were so hard they just drop down through my pants and roll on the carpet. And growing up, I hated pooping, I would only do it once a week. That resulted in rather dense and tough material that caused quite a few clogged toilets in the Philippines and Japan.
Freud must say that I had difficulty getting through the anal stage. I am not sure if that is really true or not. But somehow, I must have shaken it off, and now I am totally fine and have a wonderful pooping rhythm. 😛
Poor you! I think Feng mentioned he found Western-style toilets (i.e. the non-squatting style) weird when he first arrived in Canada. You do use different muscles when squatting, I had the reverse experience in China!
“Daddy working, Mommy pee-pee” – HA HA HA! That’s toddler comedy gold right there.
Toilet training is such a long slog of two steps forward, one step back – I remember months of muttering “it’s a process, it’s a process” through gritted teeth. I don’t envy you this next year or so.
The stars thing is brilliant, though – run with it while you can! All three of ours did well with small rewards for pee but all took a big reward – a new coveted toy – to produce poop. Good luck!
It’s funny, Mark has zero interest in buying stuff. When he goes to stores, he wants to look, touch… but he doesn’t quite get the “buying” concept. Or maybe he is an anti-capitalist rebel. I like that.
For Heston, it was stickers with a bigger one for a poo-poo (giant bug stickers..) It’s amazing how it works for them.
Hope you get to draw the poop star soon. Just FYI, K actually tried not so long ago to poop on the toilet and has since not been back on the toilet because she got splashed and it scared her.. Just sharing this in case, Mark could get scared. Had I known I would have warned her. K hasn’t been back on the toilet since!
I’m not sure what scared it with the potty… but it is kind of weird when you think about it. Mark has a twisted mind so I know there is a reason but I can’t pinpoint what scared him/bothered him. I knew some kids don’t like to flush so I made sure to make a big deal out if how “fun” it is, nothing scary, etc. There is *always* sometime we forget to cover!
Aww, well done Mark!!! That is awesome news 🙂
Were kids toilet trained where you worked? Any tips?
Hahaha, such a cute story ! Love it. ^_^
Eh, you’re back!
Hahaha, I never left ! I just don’t comment very often….
Missya ! We need to catch up ! Next year in person, maybe…. 😉
Ohhh… so you got news from the never-ending process?
Hahaha, I’d rather send you an e-mail…. 😉
Great idea Zhu! 😀 I experienced that too, with small children imagination is a lifesaver 🙂
I bet you know cool tricks too 😉
Lol, I love this one! Do you still draw stars?
Got tired of drawing, upgraded to.. stickers 😆