Life is a series of self-opening Pandora’s boxes.
Damn it. It sounded so straightforward on paper! Grow up, become a responsible adult, meet a soulmate and have kids (both optional), find your purpose and live a meaningful life, eventually get old and look back on your accomplishments, and one day, pass away with a smile on your face and no regrets.
But it turns out that Life 101 comes with unexpected plot twists. The back cover is actually pretty misleading, sometimes even deceptive—some of us have easier lives and more options, you might fail a lot and never succeed, anything worthwhile takes a lot of work, few people really care about you, no one owes you anything and life is definitely not fair.
It’s still a fun shared adventure where a sense of humour helps.
I’m at chapter 39 ½ of life and I’ve reached a few milestones, most of them not as advertised.
Take motherhood, for instance. On paper, I was promised the famous pregnancy glow, then a fulfilling role no other job can offer. Except that, in real life, it… ahem, it doesn’t exactly work like that. Go ahead, talk to other parents. Like, really talk to them. Open the Pandora’s box of parenthood, it’s enlightening—pregnancy is a love-it-or-hate-it experience, spending 24/7 with a baby/toddler isn’t actually that fun, the first years are exhausting and days never fucking end, finding a daycare is difficult (and childcare is very expensive), the lack of sleep makes you bitchy and prone to catching every single bug.
I mean, I don’t regret a thing. I love Mark and I wanted kids (I stopped at one, though, see above). But seriously, parenthood is hard.
Do you know what else is hard and not as advertised? Reaching old age, apparently.
Again, according to the media and conventional wisdom, the elderlies are mellow people who walk slowly, enjoy spending time cooking, gardening or fishing, share knowledge and wealth with their loved ones, and eventually pass away peacefully in their sleep.
I did open the Pandora’s box of parenthood but the Pandora’s box of aging opened by itself. I mean, I’m not at this stage yet—I’m raising a ten-year-old and my parents are in their sixties, so the old-old stage was at the back of my mind.
Except that I have grandparents in their nineties. Except that it turns out that my in-laws are now in their eighties.
I mean, most of us have beloved elderly relatives. If not, it means you probably went through what I’ve discovered—let me give you a hug.
Let me tell you what’s in the Pandora’s box of aging.
The elderlies don’t always age peacefully at home. They don’t always have a safe home to age in, for a start. At one point, they lose their husband, wife, and mind. At one point they need help with their daily routine—housekeeping, groceries, meals, and basic hygiene.
The elderlies don’t turn into amiable, good-natured people just because they’re 80 or 90. They are still their old self—anxious, depressed, overactive, manipulative, mean, messy, antagonistic and more.
Go ahead, ask around. I did. I have dozens of “I have no idea how to deal with my aging parents/grandparents/in-laws but I feel responsible for them” stories.
Only the royalty get to have a carefully planned “Operation London Bridge”. In the best-case scenario, your very, very old relatives explicitly say what they want or need—live at home for as long as possible or move into long-term care. Ideally, they financially planned for it.
But in real life, many elderlies just stay at home until it’s obvious it’s no longer an option. Many of them don’t have much money (left or at all). Many, many of them had no idea they would reach the old-old stage—and sometimes, they’re not happy about it.
Tons of my friends are raising babies, toddlers, kids and teens while wondering how to deal with old relatives they are responsible for. In the same conversation, we can talk about both daycare and long-term care (it’s expensive and hard to get a spot in both cases, FYI).
And of course, things are harder when you left sixty-something relatives to move to another country and now, twenty years later, you’re spotting early signs of dementia over Skype. Are you supposed to move back home? Have aging in-laws come over and live with you for a decade or more? Can you find the money to make their life easier and safer?
This summer, I learned that life is complicated… until the end.
This is a tough one … and getting tougher for us (me) tbh. Once the kids moved away it seemed like a good time to move back to the UK and be closer to my mum (now 80). While the move back to the UK was not FOR my mum, I knew it would help to be closer … and it definitely has helped (I wonder how I would have managed if we were still in Italy now that she is dealing with mobility issues/medical problems in general etc). However, now the kids are that bit older and looking to become settled in their places (Brazil potentially for Thomas and Rome for Leo), I know that I won’t stay back here in the UK for the long term … I will stay while my mum needs me but then I will move back to be closer to the boys (back to Italy) … sometimes I think it is a lose-lose situation but I actually realise it’s just one of those things ….nothing is perfect right? we make choices and all of those choices come with a compromise… and I guess we just do the best we can
Hello you! I’m so happy to hear from you! I hope you’re doing okay… how are things in the UK right now? Both France and Canada are painting a pretty grim picture–mind you, it’s not like they are thriving as well…
It does feel either like a win-win situation and a lose-lose situation, depending on the days and stages of life. On one hand, you did raise two amazing guys and it’s awesome they picked the best places for them (plus, let’s face it, you get to visit two great countries!). But on the other hand… it always take a plane ticket (or at the very least a train ticket) to see your loved ones. I hope your mum is okay is that you’re spending quality time with her 🙂
It is simply the hardest thing the majority of immigrants have to deal with. It’s the main reason I didn’t stay in Canada; I just want and need to be there, otherwise, who’s going to take care of them?
Courage 🙁
I did feel guilty (for being far) at different stages of my life, and it did feel very lonely when Mark was a baby. But when you’re with someone from another country/culture, there’s never going to be an obvious choice as to where to live. I see some of my friends going home now because they are both from the same country, so it’s a no brainer. For Feng and I, it’s always going to be complicated.
It is an absolutely impossible situation and the only thing you can do is make the best of it. And I feel it’s the case!
Being an immigrant is hard. The only cases I’ve seen that are 100% “successful” is the case where my friends don’t have any family or relatives in their home country
Now I can’t imagine not having ties (relatives or friends) to my home country. In a way it does make things easier, but it must feel… weird, as if this part of you no longer exists.
Juliette
Ce sujet me parle tellement mais tellement !
Culpabilité de savoir ses parents vieillissants restés au pays, stress de savoir son père ou sa mère hospitalisé, difficultés à obtenir des informations claires des médecins sur les pathologies, les traitements, hésitations sans fin sur la conduite à tenir : y aller, ne pas y aller, tout lâcher chez soi (boulot conjoint enfants) pour une visite éclair ou une visite prolongée, etc …
Nous sommes de plein pied là dedans nous aussi. J’espère que tu arriveras à tout concilier mais punaise que c’est difficile …
Courage !
Amitiés
Cécile
Bonjour Cécile,
Ça fait plaisir d’avoir de tes nouvelles, j’espère que tu vas bien!
Je vois que tu connais le sujet… c’est incroyable de voir à quel point on est tous dans le même bateau concernant les proches qui vieillissent, et en tant qu’immigrants, la difficulté d’être là quand il le faut. Je ne suis pas en première ligne pour le moment, ma mère l’est. Mais, je me pose des questions sur les années à venir, par exemple sur mes beaux-parents et sur la place de nos chers nonengénaires dans la société. C’est dingue, nos sociétés n’ont pas pensé le grand âge, où que l’on vive. Sans les proches, ils font quoi? Et sans beaucoup de moyens financiers??
Je pense que la société a évolué très vite : grâce aux vaccins et aux antibiotiques on vit plus vieux, avec la généralisation du travail des femmes, les vieux se retrouvent seuls au moment où ils deviennent dépendants alors que précédemment les filles et petites filles restaient à la maison et s’occupaient d’eux jusqu’au bout.
Les femmes ont certainement gagné beaucoup en terme de liberté et d’indépendance et pour rien au monde je ne voudrais revenir en arrière mais il est vrai que cela pose de nouveaux défis pour la question de la fin de vie.
Pour ma part je ne peux pas imaginer mettre mes parents en maison de retraite mais comment ferai je le moment venu ? Je ne sais pas…
On a vécu le cas cet été avec ma mamie adorée qui vient de rentrer en EHPAD. Il y a encore quelques mois, j’aurais été vraiment contre. Mais quand ce n’est plus possible de vivre seul(e), même avec de l’aide et des proches autours, ce n’est vraiment plus possible. Je m’inquiétais du coup pour ma mère, qui assumait un rôle qui n’aurait pas dû être le sien : faire les courses, passe encore (même si c’est une logistique lourde), mais la toilette, les repas, la gestion des papiers…? Et quand la personne âgée ne peut tout simplement plus s’occuper d’elle, c’est un travail à temps plein donc oui, il fallait qu’elle aille dans une structure adaptée pour que les choses se remettent en place, qu’on garde des liens le plus longtemps possible j’espère, mais qu’on ne soit pas les aidants, avec tout ce que ça entraîne de difficultés matérielles et relationnelles.
Mais finalement, est-ce que ça se passait mieux quand une génération prenait soin de “ses vieux”? Difficile d’avoir des témoignages, les gens vivaient moins vieux, justement. Et il y a dépendance et dépendance… faire les courses, veillez à la personne âgée, tenir compagnie, c’est une chose. Le grand âge avec perte de mémoire et repère et dépendance complète, c’est moins facile. Faut-il encore avoir la place (une maison?) pour vivre tous ensemble… et de bonnes relations. Ce n’est pas mon cas là, mais j’ai des amies coincées avec des beaux-parents qui ont toujours été infects, ça ne s’améliore pas en vieillissant. Je ne les vois pas les accompagner en fin de vie… et je comprends.
Si on se projette sur quelques dizaines d’années, nous aussi arriverons à ce stade de dépendance un jour et il faut se demander si nous accepterons que nos enfants mettent leurs vies entre parenthèses pour s’occuper de nous H24 … pour moi la réponse est clairement NON. Hors de question qu’un de mes 3 enfants me prenne en charge. Mais en même temps je sais que ma retraite sera insuffisante pour payer une maison de retraite (au bas mot 2500 euros par mois ici)
Je confirme pour le prix des maisons de retraite, c’est terrifiant. Je pense aussi que je ne demanderais pas à Mark de s’occuper de nous, mais évidemment, c’est facile à dire maintenant!
Sur ce sujet de la fin de vie, le cinéma contemporain nous a offert de belles oeuvres : il faut voir Amour de Michael Haneke, De son vivant de Emmanuelle Bercot, Tout s’est bien passé de François Ozon, et plus récent Plan 75, une dystopie japonaise, dont le synopsis fait froid dans le dos. “Au Japon, dans un futur proche, le vieillissement de la population s’accélère. Le gouvernement estime qu’à partir d’un certain âge, les seniors deviennent une charge inutile pour la société et met en place le programme « Plan 75 », qui propose un accompagnement logistique et financier pour mettre fin à leurs jours”
Merci pour ces recommandations! Je n’en connais aucun 🙂
That’s a tough conversation. I had it with my partner and it was not easy.
Do you have a plan? What came out of the conversation (if you can share!)?
Primary plan was for my mom to eventually stay with my sis, but my mom is stubborn to do the paperwork to move forward. A few things changed with my sis and me (work situations and finances) so this is an ever-changing constant convo. My partner’s plan for his parents was simple but again with covid and health stuff, this is something we are mindful that may change. In my culture, aging parents stay in your home with you. Being in an interracial couple, this is complicated when we have different views (western vs west African) plus language barrier with my mom and partner and sometimes they get on each other nerves so which make it more harder for me. Again, continuous convo.
I hear you! Interracial couples have it harder, blending cultures is awesome but it’s tricky when relatives are involved.
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