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It’s Not “Just” Winter: It’s a Way of Life (A Checklist)

This is me on Winter. Just say No. (Ottawa, November 2015)
This is me on Winter. Just say No. (Ottawa, November 2015)

In most of the Northern hemisphere, winter is intrinsically linked to the holiday season. Hollywood said so: flurries fall gracefully in suburbia as the happy WASP family opens presents and wraps up a fancy meal. Kids run up to the window, marvel at the lovely scenery and parents kiss lovingly in the background. Winter is just the perfect setting for a perfect night.

But in Canada, the first Santa Claus on display or Christmas gift sets don’t mean it’s winter yet—marketers start putting up lights and seasonal offers earlier and earlier every year, and we tend to cling to the last bits of Indian Summer. Yes, it’s denial, but if it’s 15°C, may as well wear shorts, right? Beside, in Canada, winter doesn’t magically go away a few weeks after unwrapping presents. While other countries experience something call “spring”, we are still shoveling fucking snow.

Yes, winter is a unique feature of Canada, and it brings up feelings you thought you had forgotten after summer and fall. It’s not “just” winter… it’s a way of life.

So, it is winter yet? Well, here is a handy checklist to determine how screwed we are… ahem, I mean to find out.

  • Ice-cold water comes out of the pipes. As much as you hate wasting water, you have to let it run for a minute or so to reach an acceptable temperature when brushing your teeth or doing the dishes.
  • Your muscles are tight, especially your shoulders because you constantly brace against the cold wind.
  • Even the most hardcore Canadians don’t wear shorts. Okay, maybe just to run from the car to the supermarket.
  • Watch out where you step! There are patches of ice on unsalted streets.
  • You shiver when you get out from under the blanket in the morning, when you step out of the shower and when you go to bed at night (and sleeping naked isn’t a tempting option anymore).
  • Gloves are no longer a tribute to Michael Jackson but the best way to still have ten fingers attached at the end of the winter. And you own several pairs because like socks, they tend to mysteriously lose their mate.
  • You watch the weather channel, sigh and plan accordingly.
  • Smoke comes out of manholes. Meanwhile, smokers shiver outside.
  • You wait for hours at the mechanic to get new winter tires. Everybody had the same idea. The nerve of these people! Couldn’t they had switched to winter tires earlier, like in July or something?
  • You swear off iced drinks and enjoy a comforting hot-something beverage. See you next summer, Frappucino and Iced Capp!
  • You step inside random stores just to warm up. Yes, of course Brenda, I will let you know if I need anything. I’m just, ahem… browsing.
  • You trade light salads for hot soups and grilled veggies for hearty stews. Food cools off much faster too, so you eat while it’s very hot.
  • Dozens of telemarketers remind you daily that they can check your furnace and blah blah blah home energy audit, blah blah blah government energy-saving rebates.
  • Runny nose. Tissues. Rinse and repeat every time you step out in the cold. No, you’re not sick, just dealing with low temperatures your body wasn’t built to deal with.
  • Your dry skin craves relief and you buy the most moisturizing lotions you can find. You carry a tube of hand cream with you as well as lip balm. Don’t even try to wax unless you want to end up looking like Freddy Krueger.
  • The air smells of wood smoke, holiday foods like cinnamon or chocolate, and pine needles.
  • You constantly curse the weather while praising the beauty of a winter sunset (crisp colours and clear sky) or snowy scenery (lovely until you have to shovel your way out).
  • You don’t casually stroll, you speed from point A to point B.
  • Coffee shops are crowded because of course, there is no longer additional seating at the terrace.
  • You look at your shorts and dresses in the closet and marvel at the fact it was once hot enough to go outside wearing them.

Anything to add to the “checklist”?

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