I’ve just made my annual offering to the gods—I created yet another custom photo wall calendar for my in-laws.

I’m an accidental holiday expert. I know everything there is to know about Christmas order cut-off dates and shipping deadlines because I spent the first few weeks of September translating gift guides and seasonal tips for a major e-commerce company. This is one of my trade secrets. Freelancers (and companies) are always a step—and months—ahead. I work on Christmas-themed assignments when summer draws to an end, Black Friday specials in September, Valentine’s Day surprises right after Christmas and Mother’s Day bestsellers in February, so don’t ask me what’s the date today, I have no idea, and I’m always mildly surprised when the events I spent hours on months ago actually materialize.

I planned to create and order the calendar right after coming back to Canada, early enough for free, boring standard shipping and happy in-laws in December.

But the Canadian Union of Postal Workers (CUPW) went on strike the day before my Paris-Ottawa flight. Damn it. Would I still get the calendar on time with mail sorting and delivery halted?

Before I started working on it, I clicked on the Live Chat button and I had a productive conversation with either a chatbot or a human far, far away who didn’t sound very familiar with the ongoing negotiations between Canada Post and CUPW (and most likely with the concept of strikes).

I was told that most orders were delivered by alternative carriers as long as I wasn’t shipping to a PO Box or a remote area.

“Residential address,” I said, beaming with relief. “And it’s Ottawa, so not remote.”

“Ottawa?”

Ottawa sounded very remote to the chatbot or the lovely foreigner.

“It’s… kind of a city,” I explained. “In Canada, it doesn’t count as remote.”

But elsewhere in the world, I’m sure it does. Hell, I feel very isolated when I’m in Ottawa.

I ended the chat, gave AI or the human five stars for providing useful reassurance, and got started on creating the goddamn calendar.

Why is a custom photo wall calendar my top Christmas priority?

Well, it all started a few years ago, when one of my clients, a leading “custom everything” company, emailed me a promo code. Mark was still young and I still couldn’t believe I had birthed a human being, so I used the discount to create a calendar featuring funny, goofy and incredibly cute toddler Mark.

Mark, if you’re reading this, you’re still funny, goofy and cute. Please, come out of your room once in a while and stop giving me that look when I offer innocuous advice like “Put socks on, it’s freezing cold.”

So I created the calendar and told Feng to give it to his parents. I can’t remember why. Maybe they took care of Mark for a weekend. Maybe I was high on chocolate. Maybe I thought they were mellowing out and we would be one big happy family, Lao She style.

“They loved the calendar!” Feng reported later that day.

“Loved it?”

“Yes!”

My in-laws never love anything. They are satisfied at best. Mark was about a week old when they started criticizing him and telling me to have another kid fast—not as a replacement (… I think?) but because a little girl would be great now, thank you.

I smiled. Wow. I had made my in-laws happy. Maybe world peace is actually possible, United Nations, here I come with tips and hope!

I forgot about the calendar and eventually, my in-laws stopped being happy and resumed calling every day to tell us we should get a proper government job, a bigger house, and a new car.

Eleven months later, Feng asked me if the calendar was ready.

“The calendar? Which cal… oh, the calendar. No, why?”

“Ahem, could you…?”

So I asked my client for a promo code—handed out generously to freelancers in the fall along with tight deadlines and last-minute urgent assignments—and I created another calendar featuring Mark, a year old.

It became an annual tradition and an easy Christmas present to my in-laws. Honestly, if they’re happy, I’m happy.

I guess I should have started by explaining that Chinese people love calendars, and my in-laws have us covered. When we come back from travelling, we find multiple versions of the latest Chinese calendar from every major Canadian financial institution in the kitchen, the living room and the bedrooms. They are almost custom calendars because my father-in-law adds notes in English to our Chinese calendars (and notes in Chinese to every boring Western calendar, we get those as well).

Come to think of it… How many bank accounts do my in-laws have? And what are the logistics for a free calendar? Do all the Wang, Zhang, Liu and Li strategically book an appointment with a financial advisor in November or December? Huh, this is an interesting Chinese mystery to add to my list.

The Holy Grail is the Chinese supermarket calendar. Kowloon Market on Somerset or T&T start posting signs with various deals in October—”Buy 40 lb of chicken feet and get a free calendar!” or more likely, “Spent $80 and get a free calendar!”

Note that the calendar has to be in Chinese, with major Chinese holidays and tips such as “立春” (“lìchūn,” beginning of spring) or “惊蛰” (“jīngzhé,” “awakening of insects”) that don’t really apply to Canada. At least, you can assume it’s “major heat” in Xian or “very cold” white dew” in Shenyang. These calendars are usually red, with the Chinese Zodiac sign of the year, and additional good luck symbols (plus the bank or supermarket address and phone number, obviously).

Why do the Chinese love calendars so much? Well, I suppose it’s handy to keep track of what to eat, and when. The pile of moon cakes at the supermarket may not be enough of a clue that the “Fifteenth/Half of the Eighth Month” is around the corner, and it’s easy to forget when to cook “yuánxiāo” (on the 15th day of the first lunar month, obviously).

My custom calendar is the boring Western style but it features Mark—alone, and I doubt my in-laws want me in their living room for a whole year.

Purolator delivered this year’s calendar super fast. My in-laws “liked it,” apparently.

Meanwhile, I bought Mark his Kinder Advent calendar.

December can start. I’m ready, calendars were offered. Consider this option for the tricky people in your life!