It’s late but I’m wide awake, staring at the building right across the street.
I feel like an idiot and I hate myself for feeling so anxious again.
I’ve been ruminating for a week now, unable to move to problem-solving or planning mode. Do you also feel it’s impossible to make decisions these days because who knows what else is going to happen? Decisions are made based on facts but facts change constantly and we lost control a year ago.
Oh, I had a great day, thank you for asking—I went to the beach, I bought a new swimsuit at the mall, then I grabbed take-out dinner at the comida a kilo and stopped by the supermarket for basic groceries.
Then I reconnected with the rest of the world and started feeling anxious again. I read the news, both on CBC and on Le Monde. I had a cigarette. I opened a can of Coke. I sighed.
Back to reality. Back to my dilemma.
Canada keeps on saying the new $2,000 quarantine-hotel rule for returning travellers is imminent. It was announced on Friday, January 29 and should have started on February 4. I didn’t have the time to rush home considering I had to change my plane ticket, get to São Paulo, get tested at the airport because that’s the only test Canada accepts and wait 24 hours for results.
Not only I don’t really have $2,000 to invest in Canada’s latest quarantine plan but the experience sounds absolutely awful. Considering you must board the plane with a negative test and still have to quarantine at home afterwards, it’s a punishment for going away, not a rational measure.
“I… I can’t do that. I’m getting panic attacks just thinking about it. This is crazy. And there’s zero information about the process! Like, how much does it cost exactly? I don’t even have winter clothes! Since I have to quarantine in Toronto, how do I get to Ottawa? And why does it take so long to get tested upon arrival considering nobody is travelling right now?”
“Looks like it might take a few weeks to be implemented,” Feng analyzed the other day. “Probably before March break. So you can try to fly home next week. But it could start sooner too, who knows at this point.”
I’m doing just fine in Brazil. Life is easier for me… but I’m alone. I miss Feng and I miss Mark, and probably more this year than in previous solo trips because the world is a stressful place right now and it’s scary to be alone.
But I don’t really want to go back to Canada right now. I have zero incentive to be in Ottawa except for my two favourite guys in the world. I can work anywhere and there is barely any work right now anyway. Everything is closed. You can’t see anyone. It’s way too cold to hang out outside. People are scared and the atmosphere is toxic.
I can’t go to France either—not only I’d still miss the guys but borders are closed, including to French citizens, ah ah.
I know it’s irrational and probably unwarranted, but for the first time I twenty years, I resent Canada. I resent Canada for blaming and punishing people instead of vaccinating and trying to mitigate risks, I resent Canada for restrictions extended indefinitely, for the “zero-risk” aim.
And I feel like an idiot because I’m gonna turn 38 next month and apparently, I’m okay with living out of a backpack and not knowing where I’m going or where I want to be.
It gets worse—I’m wondering what’s the point of living. Not in a suicidal way, mind you, but I’m not exactly one of these “oh well, I’m gonna hide until COVID is gone, I barely go out anyway, no worries” kind of people. I live for travelling, for culture, for live art and performance, for social interactions with complete strangers. I don’t want to stay home, especially not for months or years.
This new world is terrifying to me.
I don’t really want to get sick or die either, I’m too old to find it even remotely romantic in a tragic kind of way. I’m just your regular human being who eat some junk food but exercise religiously, enjoy cigarettes but takes vitamin C, love both broccoli and chocolate—I’m not rational or logical, few of us are.
So what the fuck should I do?
I was browsing the news (buses have free Wi-Fi here!) in a long-distance bus yesterday when Canada solved the dilemma for me. Well, Air Canada did.
I got the email in the evening:
AC 91 to Toronto, Lester B. Pearson Intl (YYZ) has been cancelled due to the impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic on aviation which includes government entry requirements, travel advisories, and local movement restrictions. This affects both international and domestic flights due to our interconnected route network.
Thank you for choosing to fly with us. We look forward to welcoming you on board again soon.
So my March flight back home has been cancelled. No other options offered, no route suspension end date.
I’m officially stuck in Brazil.
Dilemma solved. Feels like being back to March 2020 when everything started.
Now what do I do?
Poor you! I don’t know what to say but I guess any king of comment below this article would be a little of reconfort. Very little I know, because there isn’t much to do and to say to you. I am sorry. I have no magic answer. I just feel for you. I understand your scary dilemna of liking traveling (and everything else you wrote, like socialising etc.) and the world closing up. I hope you will find in the sun and in this trip some happiness and decompression.
I think I’m okay. All in all… well, I find the latest restrictions pointless and I’m quite annoyed but in the great scheme of things, I’m fine. I just have to find my way back!
Do they really say “comida a kilo” in Macéio? I’ve always heard “comida por kilo” (in the North, Center and South-East regions), but I know there are a lot of regional differences in Brazil.
As for your dilemma I would probably contact Air Canada and try to return in an earlier flight, unless you don’t mind staying indefinitely in Brazil… How about your visa? How long are you allowed to stay in Brazil anyway?
“Comida por kilo” is more common but I heard “comida a kilo” often enough for it to be stuck in my brain!
As for my dilemma, I wasn’t offered an earlier option or alternative. No more flights, period. There were only two a week so they litterally… shut them off. I was given 90 days so I’m still okay for now. Looking for options, obviously… I like Brazil but I ain’t moving here, I miss Mark and Feng. I didn’t see all that coming, believe it or not. It’s worst than last year!
I’ve heard Mexico hasn’t closed its borders at all since the pandemic, but I don’t know if that will help… Maybe there are other flights other than Air Canada flying in?
The main issue right now is countries suspending routes or countries not letting non-nationals in. For instance, normally, I’d find a flight through the US… except only Americans can enter the US if you’re coming from Brazil and Europe. It’s a complete clusterfuck.
hey, can you work there ?…. illegally. Should be fun given the fact that it is summer there.
after all you have to keep running …
I’m lucky, it doesn’t affect my work. I can work from anywhere and I’m still working on the road. The perks of freelancing!
I was wondering if you could go in France to avoid the $2000 fine, but it’s not an option anymore. I agree that handling a pandemic is difficult, but the constant flipflopping on measures makes it hard to live for the lambda person.
C’est ma seule option en fait. Après, restera le problème de rentrer au Canada…
Anyone would get a bit panicky, I guess, but overall it does not seem that bad. As long as you have enough money to survive there and you don’t get sick meanwhile, things will sort themselves out eventually . Canada is not the most cheerful place to be now, wintry, dark, dreary and deserted, I’d rather be on the move in a tropical country. In your old age you’ll look back at it with wonder and wish you had enjoyed this misadventure more. I’d do that now, if I were you; rather thrilling.
I like your wise words! And you’re probably right.
I’m lucky because I can work anywhere (freelance translator here) so it’s not like anyone is expecting back at work. And cost of living is affordable in Brazil. I’d be single, I wouldn’t freak out as much… but there’s Feng and Mark, I miss them and it’s strange for me not being able to fly home.