It didn’t take me long to sneak out of the apartment in the middle of the night to see some random girl—or guy, either way, I’m open-minded, it’s 2024, people.

In fact, I think I went the first night, a mere few hours after landing in Beijing.

Feng was totally okay with it—saves him energy, you know, it doesn’t have to do it for me.

Wait… what? Oh, you and your dirty mind!

I’m talking about massages, obviously.

Gee.

If you ever go to China and if you manage to spot the characters 足道 (zúdào), you’re in for a treat.

Well, kind of. As long as you like it rough—STILL TALKING ABOUT MASSAGES, PEOPLE!

The Chinese strongly believe massages help rebalance your qi, stimulate blood circulation, prevent unbalances and cures just about anything. This is not achieved without some tough love—vigorous kneading and chopping is the norm, go to a Western country for a relaxing spa experience.

Chinese massage parlours pretty much all work the same. Most stay open until very late at night (2 a.m. or later) and take walk-ins.

If you’re getting a foot massage, you will sit in a chair and enjoy the atmosphere. Parlours can be very lively places—people chat, eat, and ahem… smoke. Yes, they are “No smoking” signs. Yes, you may be offered cigarettes regardless.

You will get a back and neck massage while you’re soaking your feet. Then the feet and leg massage will start—you will invariably be told to “just shout ‘AH!’ if it hurt!”

If you’re getting a full-body massage, you will be given a clean Chinese-style pyjamas. You will keep it on throughout unless you’re getting an oil massage.

Cupping therapy, i.e., the application of heated bamboo cups that suck the skin up, is optional. It doesn’t hurt but it leaves bruise-like circular marks that take days to go away.

Think of Chinese massages as tough love—it hurts but it feels so good afterwards!