Everything takes a lot of energy these days, from buying socks (apparently considered non-essential items) to chatting with friends (“What have you been up to?” “… nothing…”). Creative workarounds are needed for the most basic aspects of life—studying, working, socializing.

Feng feels he “lost” a year because he’s been out of work since March 2020 and travelling is difficult. I don’t feel the same because somehow, I still managed to get assignments and I did travel “almost” as usual, but life has been extremely stressful and complicated.

I got it now. No need to rush or worry, it’s a matter of being flexible and thinking outside the box, finding freedom and entertainment when you can, occasionally breaking the law and staying away from the news.

Last spring, like most people, I was scared of this new mysterious virus. Unprecedented measures swiftly implemented on a global scale left me speechless and made me realize how serious the situation was—I had never imagined you could actually shut down the economy, force entire population to stay home, force people to stay apart. It felt we were in the midst of a unique moment in modern history. Weird times, for sure, but a short-term sacrifice for the greater good.

Then things got confusing and I grew impatient. This was the stage where I felt we had to take executive decisions all the time because according to experts, there was always a risk, yet sticking to “stay home, save lives” was getting difficult. Should Mark see my in-laws? Should he go back to school in September? Should we go to France in the summer or wait for the pandemic to be over? Was it okay to meet with a friend? Was it safe to press the pedestrian crossing button, sit in a coffee shop, hang out outside, take the bus, walk past people or chat on the driveway with neighbours?

The year ended on a slightly more optimistic—we had vaccines, plural! Long way to go, but surely we would eventually control the pandemic despite potential difficulties along the way of vaccine rollout.

But the narrative is still grim and goalposts keep on being moved. Tests can’t be trusted, vaccines can’t be trusted, people can’t be trusted. I don’t even understand what the endgame is anymore. We went from “let’s protect vulnerable people and healthcare systems” to “let’s make sure no one gets sick ever and blame those who do.” It’s no longer about risk management but about zero risk.

Zero risk is a fantasy. There are a million ways to die—humans and nature are pretty creative.

COVID is a nasty virus. I’m happy to monitor for symptoms, keep good hygiene practices, get vaccinated. I also want to join my voice to all those calling for paid sick days, a better healthcare system and decent housing. This makes sense to me. A 7 p.m. curfew “because of COVID” or the arbitrary definition of “essential” and “non essential” activities, businesses and items feel completely useless at this stage.

I’m sorry, I ran out of fear. I have the feeling that the pandemic won’t be over until governments decide it is, even post-vaccination. There’s always going to be a new variant, a new risk, a new crisis.

I’m out.  

Step by step, I want to get somewhere.

I made a promise to myself—I won’t pause and wait until pandemic and restrictions are over to enjoy life. I won’t let this crisis steal time from me. I need to feel productive and make these weird months or years worthwhile.

Deep down, I’m an optimist. Something good has to come out of this—other than war stories to share with our future grandchildren.

This is an experience and I’m going to focus on the positive side—it should make sense at one point, right?