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10 Weird Consequences of Having a Baby

Mark’s Little Feet

Much has been said and written about having a baby… but how come no one warned me about these ten weird “baby side effects”?

Never mind—let me enlighten you.

These past few weeks have been challenging, as we adapt to each other, and as Mark adapts to the world (what, he couldn’t stay inside me forever!). But we try to keep a sense of humour, and we see it as a fun adventure!

Now here are 10 weir consequences of having a baby.

1) You walk around the house topless. Not in a desperate attempt to look like a sexy French woman, but for easier access to breast and milk.

2) You learn to do everything with one hand since the other one is holding the baby. Yes, that includes making tea (you will never get to drink it anyway, who cares how well-brewed it is!), washing your hands, getting dressed, etc.

3) Your back and your arms are sore from holding said baby (anyone willing to chip in so that I can get a massage?). Oh, and why did I even bother paying for yoga classes when I can perfectly do arm curls exercises with a baby?!

4) You say “pee” and “poop” twenty times a day; it’s like being back in elementary school where toilet humour was considered to be funny. As in “Good job, Mark great poop!” and “Fuck, he peed all over his clothes while I was changing him again”.

5) Laundry is not done twice a week anymore but twice a day (see above, I may feel like a terrible mother at times but I draw the line at dressing Mark in stained clothes even though it’s his pee).

6) You speak in this annoying baby voice you had sworn not to use. Can’t help it—I must be brain-damaged from the lack of sleep.

7) You suddenly remember all the lullabies and baby songs you heard as a kid yourself. Sure, I can’t remember all the lyrics but frankly, Mark doesn’t seem to care if I make them up. I’m a crappy singer anyway, “lalalala” will do.

8) Your hands are dry because you wash them a hundred of times a day (see above for “pee” and “poop”).

9) You lost feeling in your right arm because it is a pillow for Mark when he sleeps. Wrist feels equally numb—can you get carpal tunnel syndrome from a baby?

10) You marvel at how something so small can change everything and everyone around you.

Mothers from all around the world, anything else to add?

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French woman in English Canada.

Exploring the world with my camera since 1999, translating sentences for a living, writing stories that may or may not get attention.

Firm believer that nobody is normal... and it’s better this way.

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