For a culture where “how are you?” is merely a greeting ritual and not actually a question—remember that the only acceptable reply is “great, yourself?” even if a meteorite has just crashed in front of you—people in Ottawa have no filter.
It’s baffling, really.
Case in point, the OMG-you-are-so-tan season has started for me with the arrival of spring. It’s proper shorts weather, and like every year, random people at the supermarket or in the street look at me and go “wow, you’re so tan!”.
I guess I am tan and yes, I use sunscreen. I never really lose my backpacker tan, plus I tan easily, that’s… just the way it is. I’m not offended when people comment on my tan, I’m just nonplussed. What am I supposed to say? Fair-skinned Canadians of British or Irish descent usually look sunburned, so “thanks, you too!” would sound snarky.
It’s not just me, and it’s not just a strange obsession with skin tone. My neighbour who’s just had a baby girl was getting annoyed with “looks like you’re about to pop!” comments every time she was venturing into a store. “I mean, if you want to talk about my pregnancy, let’s sit down and get to know each other,” she texted me. “At least ask when I’m due or how I’m feeling.”
I get it. I had to deal with the pregnancy police, the baby police, and the toddler police until Mark started daycare and I no longer had to hang out in shopping malls for lack of better things to do with a young kid.
Perfect strangers can be really weird.
I used to get many random comments about my newcomer status as well. I’ve been living in Canada for twenty years now, so I no longer get asked outright where I’m from. But I remember these weird “well-meaning” comments from when I must have looked and sounded more exotic.
I strongly believe that there are no stupid questions and that the world would be a better place if we got to know each other beyond stereotypes. Yet, there’s a time and place for everything—seemingly innocuous questions and comments are not supposed to be blurted out to perfect strangers.
So think twice before saying…
“You’re so lucky to speak another language!”
I often hear “you’re so lucky to speak French!” and I can almost see Ottawa civil servants calculate my hypothetical bilingualism bonus in their head. I jokingly replied “you’re so lucky to speak English!” a couple of times to highlight how absurd this comment is only to be told that “English is easy to learn”.
Yeah, English is easy to learn if it’s your mother tongue. It’s not that instinctive to the rest of us.
This is not luck. Learning a language is hard work and it doesn’t happen overnight.
Side note, don’t assume all immigrants speak their mother tongue fluently or at all, especially if they left their birth country at a young age.
“Oh, you’re from XYZ? Life must be so much better for you in Canada!”
This is how a friend from El Salvador put it: “my country may be portrayed as a shithole in the media—and maybe it is a shithole—but it’s my shithole. This is where my relatives are living, where I spent my childhood and where I graduated”.
Also, not all developing nations are dangerous and unstable countries. My gym friend from Kenya had a very nice middle-class life in Mombasa—she wasn’t a poor, starving African woman, she came to Canada because she got a great job opportunity.
Skilled workers form by far the largest category of immigrants in Canada, so chances are you’re talking to an educated person who lived a middle-class life back home because moving abroad and starting a new life is a long and expensive process. Yes, they had running water and yes, they had supermarkets.
“Why on earth did you come to Canada?”
You’ll hear this one if you’re from Western Europe, Australia, New Zealand, or any place often listed as one of the best countries to live in.
Apparently, my French life included an apartment with a view of the Eiffel Tower, fancy meals, cheap wine, and tons of casual sex.
Okay, the food was better…
“I could never leave my relatives, we’re so close!”
I’m close to mine too, we just happen to live in different time zones. Also, when was the last time you called your mother? Because I chatted with mine for two hours this weekend.
This one always feels so judgmental to me…
“Don’t you miss home?”
Sometimes. It depends. This is an emotionally charged question. If I say “no”, people start suspecting I ran away from a terrible situation. If I say “yes”, I might start crying.
There were times in my life when I would have jumped on the next plane to France because I felt lonely, sad, and completely lost. Homesickness can hit anytime—it still does once in a while, even though I’ve been living abroad for more than 20 years.
I think most immigrants just accept they will live with a scar that may itch once in a while.
“Oh, so you [insert cringy stereotype here]!”
Please, don’t start talking about wine the second I mention that I grew up in France—it’s going to be a monologue because I don’t drink and I have zero interest in wine. No, I’m not pregnant and no, I’m not in recovery. I’ve never developed a taste for wine, ah ah, what a shame, I know, French wines and all.
By the way, Feng can’t fix your computer—guess what, Chinese are not necessarily IT experts. But feel free to say hi, I promise he isn’t going to steal trade secrets and offer them to the Chinese Communist Party.
My Indian neighbours are disappointing too, I have yet to hear a Bollywood party next door!
“I love your accent!”
I don’t. Thank you for reminding me I have one.
And check your bias if you find some accents “cute” and others “annoying”.
How about you? Do you get weird comments from random strangers? I can’t be just me!
Share this article!
Vraiment hilarant! Pour moi, en France, c’était: Une Canadienne qui fais pas de ski?! (je vivais à Grenoble…) ou bien… Une Canadienne qui a froid! On aura tout vu! Et j’en passe… Et en tant qu’Acadienne, tout l’monde pense que je suis toujours sur le party… alors que je ne bois pratiquement plus depuis mes 20 ans. Voilà… 😉
You don’t ski, but at least you do snowplow drag racing, right?
Not even
This is hilarious! Funny enough, I don’t associate Canada with skiing because it doesn’t seem to be a big thing in Ottawa and around (the closest slopes are Mont Tremblant, I think…). People tend to go ice skating or sleighing.
Are Acadians supposed to be partying all the time??? Never heard of this stereotype!
Yeah they are very funny and party people, love to be around others. You dont feel lonely in NB 😉
I do find you friendly, but I thought it was just because you’re awesome 😉
The ”I like your accent” happens essentially when I’m in the US,
And I basically never ask ”how are you?” because yes, I don’t care. Plus it avoids the awkward cases when the person you ask is dying from a terrible and painful illness. And on the very time I’m asked why Canada, I just explain it’s for the long haul driving that doesn’t exist anymore for French drivers.
When I ask “how are you?” I generally meant it. That said, I caught myself saying “bonjourcommentçava… oups” in France a few times just out of habit 😆 I got weird looks…
Funny story! Love your writing.
Thank you! Making people laugh these days isn’t easy… I’m glad if I can offer a break from inflation, war, COVID and the rest 😉
My ex got this one all the time : “Oh, you are from Mauritius ? Why did you come to Switzerland, it’s so beautiful there !”
Well, maybe because the average salary there is about 7 or 8 times less than here, because there is almost no social security, because he couldn’t find a job there and his wife happened to be Swiss 😉
Oh, and one of my colleagues, who was adopted from Corea when she was a baby, told me that it happened to her a few times that a student would ask her suspiciously where she had learned French (she teaches French as a second language).
Oh, I feel for him! It’s such an innocuous comment, yet it does get annoying… and I’m sure when you were in Mauritius people were asking you what the hell you were doing there! 😆 The grass is always greener on the other side…
As for your colleague, that’s just offensive, especially when it’s literally her job to teach French! Gee, people…
Really weird comments and i get them too ughhh 🙁
I have to admit my first thought was “phew, I’m not the only one!” 😆 (But yeah, sorry…)
You are “lucky” that they love your accent. Nobody ever says that to me because having Chinese accent is inferior, I guess. I would be right next to my husband (who is English) and people would ask where he is from and comment that they can listen to him all day long because of his accent. Nobody cares about where I am from nor my accent. If I am alone and people are curious as to where I am from (and I tell them Malaysia), first the blank look, then they would be amazed that I speak English so well (as in the ability to piece a grammatically correct sentence together) and ask when did I learn English for the first time. I would tell them since kindergarten and I learned 3 languages growing up, plus 2 Chinese dialects. They would be impressed but nobody loves my accent and I don’t blame them either. Haha! The most annoying was the question about where I am from. I would initially answer Malaysia all the time (and it was the right answer) until some people were actually asking which city I live in (in US). So I started to answer that way, until of course I met random people who meant where I am actually from. So there would be a follow up question on “No, where were you originally from?” So for a long while, I paused before I answered because I was trying to figure out what answer they actually wanted from the same question. Now that I have lived here for so long and where I live is home to me (more so than where I was born and grew up), whenever I am asked that question again, I would give a complete two part answers (because I don’t care to figure out what exactly they want to know anymore). LOL!
Oh boy, I feel for you…
See, this is what I don’t like comments on accents because like you said, some accents are apparently “lovely” while others are “inferior”. Feng doesn’t have any accent in English but I’ve witnessed very weird comments regarding his “language skills”. Same as you said, it’s almost as if people were not expecting him to… speak English?!
The downside of a supposedly “lovely” accent is that there’s this awkward salacious innuendo. Like, dude, I’m ordering a coffee, I’m not talking dirty to you 😆
Brits and Australian tend to ask “where do you come from?” instead of “where are you from?”, the way it’s commonly phrased in Canada and in the USA. I used to get confused and reply “mmm… the supermarket?” 😆